2.25

Part Two

I distinctly remember what it looked like outside my window as I drove down the highway. The sun was up but off to the right and high enough that it wasn't blinding me. The sky was a pale blue speckled with fluffy white clouds that were so far away you almost didn't notice them, but they were there. There are a definite lack of trees in the Texas Panhandle but wherever I was at the time I remember seeing a line of trees on either side of the highway a distance away from where I was. This is the clearest part of the picture because it was there, as I was praying, that I saw what I was looking for.

I had been wrestling with the same question for quite some time. It's fair to say I'm somewhat directionless. I often tell people I shouldn't have gone to college until I had some sense of focus. I could potentially go to school for the rest of my life, get a slew of degrees, and still not feel like I've accomplished anything worthwhile. If you asked me what I'd like to do as a career I'd probably say, "Nothing. As soon as it becomes a career I'd lose interest." In fact, the word career leaves me feeling suffocated and boxed in. If you pressed me to pick one I'd struggle as I listed off interests that could potentially be careers: archaeology, teaching, some kind of clerical position, author, theologian, photographer (of archaeological and anthropological studies/sites), diagnostician, actress. . .the list could go on. All of this to say I struggled with, and still do to some degree, what I can do with whatever talents I have to serve the God I so love.

So there I was, driving down the road toward home, praying. "God, what can I do? I want to do something! I want it to be what You have planned for me and I want it to glorify You - but what?" I started listing things off to Him that I thought might be the answer. I don't remember specifically asking for a "sign" but I was hoping for some kind of confirmation.

There, in the midst of my crying out, I brought up writing. I'd always wanted to write. I never thought it would necessarily amount to much but it was something I greatly desired and loved to do. I started saying different ideas I'd had in this vein. I could write Christian fiction. I could write bible studies. I could, I don't know, write in LiveJournal or whatever and see if anyone reads it. Screenplays for Christian films? "Whatever it is You would want me to write I would write it. I just need to know if that's what You want me to do!"

In the distance, from amidst the line of trees I saw them. Three birds took flight and soared high into the sky. The two flanking the third were black, and the one flying in the center was pure white. I don't know why, it's not like birds symbolize something to me or I had asked for this specific vision, but I just knew when I saw that white bird in the middle that I had finally hit on something. Call it silly, call it superstitious, but I knew in my heart, at that moment, that I was supposed to write. I've spent eleven years trying to figure out what.

(Part One)

2.24

Part One

Around eleven years ago I was driving back to Dallas after a visit back home. The drive from Pampa to Dallas is as long as it is flat and uneventful. You hit a few small canyons a ways outside of town that, when the sunlight hits them as it lowers, become a beautiful contrast of light and shadow. After that you are left with a view of the horizon that stretches on and on until it meets the sky in a thin line. You turn once in another small Texas town at which point you are on the road you will be on for the next five hours. (In Texas we tell distance in time so I couldn't tell you how many miles away Dallas is from Pampa if my life depended on it. I could, however, tell you that it will take you around five and a half hours now that the speed limit has increased to 75 mph. That is, of course, if you drive the speed limit. People have made it there faster.) On this long stretch of road the only changes are in the name of the small town you are passing through. You eventually become an expert at knowing which towns have the most vigilant traffic officers. (Don't speed through Chillicothe, for example.) Eventually you will either turn in Decatur (watch out for that curve) or you will drive straight down into Fort Worth.

On this particular drive eleven years ago I was nineteen, I had a boyfriend, two cats, a best friend, a flip phone (no texting or anything; this was pre-smartphone era), and was struggling with a question that would stay with me for years to come. I've recently read that Millennials, of which I'm apparently one of the "older" ones, do not find satisfaction in accomplishing a long tenured job but instead seek fulfillment by making some marked difference in the world around them. It's a desire that can't be satiated by promotion or a plaque. We have this strange ideology that life was probably worthless if we didn't achieve something great. This social phenomenon has its drawbacks - a major one being a disregard for being grateful in "the small things." Another drawback is the staggering unlikelihood that you will achieve something you feel was good enough in your lifetime. This compulsion drives a lot of millennials' decision making. No longer are they staying with a single job or company for forty years. Now they are switching jobs frequently, rarely remaining with any company for longer than five years. There is a yearning to do more; to be more. That's where you would have found me eleven years ago: in my car, trying to stay awake as I drove and prayed.

2.3

I have a devotional I have toyed with writing for a couple of years now and today I knocked out three days of the twenty-eight I have planned.

Weeeeeell I say "planned."

So I have the general theme and idea I want to convey...but it could easily be done in much less than twenty-eight days. I thought about mapping out a topic for each day ahead of time. This was two years ago. This is what happened:

Picture it. Sunday School. 2014. We're discussing the trial of Jesus. I got distracted by a stray thought about Barabbas. Then enters an idea for a bible study surrounding Barabbas.

Next I sit down to write out my idea.

I write out my idea.

It isn't going to be enough for a bible study.

Who am I to write a bible study, anyway? I should get a degree in theology or something before I even attempt to write one.

Well...maybe I could write a devotional instead.

OOOH I'll write a devotional that has guided journaling. Journaling rocks.

I wrote out Day One.

I got someone to agree to write the introduction.

I wrote out Day Two.

I erased Day Two.

I had another idea from a stray thought about Moses.

I decided to go a different direction with my devotional...but I wanted to keep the title.

I wrote out Day Two.

I wrote out Day Three.

I erased Day Three.

I decided to put it on the back burner until I had some clarity.

........Two years go by...

I finally decided what direction to go with it.

I erase Days two and three...

I erase all of it and start from scratch.

I write three days in one go.

I'm digging this new direction! It involves minimal planning and very casual writing and, unlike the previous attempt, I actually like how this is turning out. Keep your eye out for Releasing Barabbas: 28 Days of Prayer & Study on the Redeeming Love of Christ.

2.2

Things my parents taught me:

• Say you're sorry, even if you are pretty sure you didn't do anything wrong. Their feelings are more important than your pride.
• You can't expect everyone to live up to the standards you hold yourself to. 
• Family is family, no matter what.
• God created everything and said it was good. So it was. Satan has tried to corrupt everything so there is a bad version of every good thing. God tries to protect us by showing us good vs. bad...it's up to us to listen to Him. 
• If there is only one piece of food left on the plate you offer it to everyone else before snatching it up for yourself. 
• Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity until they prove otherwise...then they still get to be treated with love and grace and mercy because that's what God did/does for us. 
• Sometimes if you want something done you're going to have to get off your duff and do it yourself. 
• Pay the smallest bills off first then work your way up to the big ones. <-- Seriously, though.
• Give generously and without ulterior motives, agenda, or with expectations of anything in return (including simple gratitude).
• Always be gracious when someone is generous toward you.
• Check everything against the Bible.
• Have the faith to ask God for the big things, have faith to trust God with the answer, and have faith to praise Him either way.
• Constant negativity pushes people away.
• Being honest and truthful is a virtue. Being hurtful with your honesty and truthfulness is not. (Seriously. I can't stand it when someone uses "I'm an honest person" as an excuse to be hateful.)
• We're all in this together so let's help each other out.
• Respect people who have lived longer than you. Listen to them. They have experience and stories that you can learn from. 
• Wisdom and intelligence are both incredibly important. They are also incredibly dependent on each other to work properly.
• Never stake your happiness on a person. We are all fallible and will inevitably disappoint each other. There has only ever been One who will never fail us and that is Christ.

I might add to this list if I think of more...