2.25

Part Two

I distinctly remember what it looked like outside my window as I drove down the highway. The sun was up but off to the right and high enough that it wasn't blinding me. The sky was a pale blue speckled with fluffy white clouds that were so far away you almost didn't notice them, but they were there. There are a definite lack of trees in the Texas Panhandle but wherever I was at the time I remember seeing a line of trees on either side of the highway a distance away from where I was. This is the clearest part of the picture because it was there, as I was praying, that I saw what I was looking for.

I had been wrestling with the same question for quite some time. It's fair to say I'm somewhat directionless. I often tell people I shouldn't have gone to college until I had some sense of focus. I could potentially go to school for the rest of my life, get a slew of degrees, and still not feel like I've accomplished anything worthwhile. If you asked me what I'd like to do as a career I'd probably say, "Nothing. As soon as it becomes a career I'd lose interest." In fact, the word career leaves me feeling suffocated and boxed in. If you pressed me to pick one I'd struggle as I listed off interests that could potentially be careers: archaeology, teaching, some kind of clerical position, author, theologian, photographer (of archaeological and anthropological studies/sites), diagnostician, actress. . .the list could go on. All of this to say I struggled with, and still do to some degree, what I can do with whatever talents I have to serve the God I so love.

So there I was, driving down the road toward home, praying. "God, what can I do? I want to do something! I want it to be what You have planned for me and I want it to glorify You - but what?" I started listing things off to Him that I thought might be the answer. I don't remember specifically asking for a "sign" but I was hoping for some kind of confirmation.

There, in the midst of my crying out, I brought up writing. I'd always wanted to write. I never thought it would necessarily amount to much but it was something I greatly desired and loved to do. I started saying different ideas I'd had in this vein. I could write Christian fiction. I could write bible studies. I could, I don't know, write in LiveJournal or whatever and see if anyone reads it. Screenplays for Christian films? "Whatever it is You would want me to write I would write it. I just need to know if that's what You want me to do!"

In the distance, from amidst the line of trees I saw them. Three birds took flight and soared high into the sky. The two flanking the third were black, and the one flying in the center was pure white. I don't know why, it's not like birds symbolize something to me or I had asked for this specific vision, but I just knew when I saw that white bird in the middle that I had finally hit on something. Call it silly, call it superstitious, but I knew in my heart, at that moment, that I was supposed to write. I've spent eleven years trying to figure out what.

(Part One)

2.24

Part One

Around eleven years ago I was driving back to Dallas after a visit back home. The drive from Pampa to Dallas is as long as it is flat and uneventful. You hit a few small canyons a ways outside of town that, when the sunlight hits them as it lowers, become a beautiful contrast of light and shadow. After that you are left with a view of the horizon that stretches on and on until it meets the sky in a thin line. You turn once in another small Texas town at which point you are on the road you will be on for the next five hours. (In Texas we tell distance in time so I couldn't tell you how many miles away Dallas is from Pampa if my life depended on it. I could, however, tell you that it will take you around five and a half hours now that the speed limit has increased to 75 mph. That is, of course, if you drive the speed limit. People have made it there faster.) On this long stretch of road the only changes are in the name of the small town you are passing through. You eventually become an expert at knowing which towns have the most vigilant traffic officers. (Don't speed through Chillicothe, for example.) Eventually you will either turn in Decatur (watch out for that curve) or you will drive straight down into Fort Worth.

On this particular drive eleven years ago I was nineteen, I had a boyfriend, two cats, a best friend, a flip phone (no texting or anything; this was pre-smartphone era), and was struggling with a question that would stay with me for years to come. I've recently read that Millennials, of which I'm apparently one of the "older" ones, do not find satisfaction in accomplishing a long tenured job but instead seek fulfillment by making some marked difference in the world around them. It's a desire that can't be satiated by promotion or a plaque. We have this strange ideology that life was probably worthless if we didn't achieve something great. This social phenomenon has its drawbacks - a major one being a disregard for being grateful in "the small things." Another drawback is the staggering unlikelihood that you will achieve something you feel was good enough in your lifetime. This compulsion drives a lot of millennials' decision making. No longer are they staying with a single job or company for forty years. Now they are switching jobs frequently, rarely remaining with any company for longer than five years. There is a yearning to do more; to be more. That's where you would have found me eleven years ago: in my car, trying to stay awake as I drove and prayed.

2.3

I have a devotional I have toyed with writing for a couple of years now and today I knocked out three days of the twenty-eight I have planned.

Weeeeeell I say "planned."

So I have the general theme and idea I want to convey...but it could easily be done in much less than twenty-eight days. I thought about mapping out a topic for each day ahead of time. This was two years ago. This is what happened:

Picture it. Sunday School. 2014. We're discussing the trial of Jesus. I got distracted by a stray thought about Barabbas. Then enters an idea for a bible study surrounding Barabbas.

Next I sit down to write out my idea.

I write out my idea.

It isn't going to be enough for a bible study.

Who am I to write a bible study, anyway? I should get a degree in theology or something before I even attempt to write one.

Well...maybe I could write a devotional instead.

OOOH I'll write a devotional that has guided journaling. Journaling rocks.

I wrote out Day One.

I got someone to agree to write the introduction.

I wrote out Day Two.

I erased Day Two.

I had another idea from a stray thought about Moses.

I decided to go a different direction with my devotional...but I wanted to keep the title.

I wrote out Day Two.

I wrote out Day Three.

I erased Day Three.

I decided to put it on the back burner until I had some clarity.

........Two years go by...

I finally decided what direction to go with it.

I erase Days two and three...

I erase all of it and start from scratch.

I write three days in one go.

I'm digging this new direction! It involves minimal planning and very casual writing and, unlike the previous attempt, I actually like how this is turning out. Keep your eye out for Releasing Barabbas: 28 Days of Prayer & Study on the Redeeming Love of Christ.

2.2

Things my parents taught me:

• Say you're sorry, even if you are pretty sure you didn't do anything wrong. Their feelings are more important than your pride.
• You can't expect everyone to live up to the standards you hold yourself to. 
• Family is family, no matter what.
• God created everything and said it was good. So it was. Satan has tried to corrupt everything so there is a bad version of every good thing. God tries to protect us by showing us good vs. bad...it's up to us to listen to Him. 
• If there is only one piece of food left on the plate you offer it to everyone else before snatching it up for yourself. 
• Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity until they prove otherwise...then they still get to be treated with love and grace and mercy because that's what God did/does for us. 
• Sometimes if you want something done you're going to have to get off your duff and do it yourself. 
• Pay the smallest bills off first then work your way up to the big ones. <-- Seriously, though.
• Give generously and without ulterior motives, agenda, or with expectations of anything in return (including simple gratitude).
• Always be gracious when someone is generous toward you.
• Check everything against the Bible.
• Have the faith to ask God for the big things, have faith to trust God with the answer, and have faith to praise Him either way.
• Constant negativity pushes people away.
• Being honest and truthful is a virtue. Being hurtful with your honesty and truthfulness is not. (Seriously. I can't stand it when someone uses "I'm an honest person" as an excuse to be hateful.)
• We're all in this together so let's help each other out.
• Respect people who have lived longer than you. Listen to them. They have experience and stories that you can learn from. 
• Wisdom and intelligence are both incredibly important. They are also incredibly dependent on each other to work properly.
• Never stake your happiness on a person. We are all fallible and will inevitably disappoint each other. There has only ever been One who will never fail us and that is Christ.

I might add to this list if I think of more...

Twenty-Nine

Sitting there with a pad of paper in her lap and a pencil balancing precariously on the edge of the armrest she closed her eyes and tried to imagine what it would look like. How many bedrooms, bathrooms, attached or detached garage, large or small yard, kitchen facing the backyard or toward the front of the house? Letting out a slow sigh she opened her eyes and picked up the pencil.

The first line stretched across most of the page. She tapped the eraser a few times as she planned out her next marking. Soon she had a modest floor plan drawn out and she paused to give it a critical eye. Soon her eraser was flying across the page as she removed walls and doors from her sketch. She added a wall here, an arched doorway there, and a picture window overlooking the imaginary backyard. Yes, this house might work for her family. How many kids would she have? She needed enough space to accommodate a good sized family. She tore the paper out of her notepad and tossed it to the side.

Another line across bottom of the page. It jogged down and back up to create a lovely window seat in the living room. Two living spaces, four bedrooms, an open floor plan kitchen/den/dining room filled up the page quickly. She hadn't even added bathrooms when she tore it out, crumpled it up, and threw it across the room. It was too big.

Her lip hurt slightly from where she was biting it as she concentrated on her next idea. A wall between these two rooms, walk-in closet, half bathroom, kitchen and dining area combined with a large picture window to let in a lot of sunlight . . . her pencil dragged lightly across the page then, when she was satisfied with the placement of whatever she was drawing, harder and more certain. A master suite was a must and a bathtub in the kids' bathroom would definitely be an important feature. She drew in furnishings and details until it looked finished and when there was nothing left to do inside the house she focused her attention on the outside. Trees and flowerbeds were drawn in with great attention to detail. A pagoda in the backyard for shade was drawn in.

She finished with a play area for the kids. A tall slide, rock climbing wall, and a tree house with flower boxes were the finishing touches. Sitting back she sighed and allowed herself a small smile of satisfaction. She stood up and brushed the eraser shavings off of her lap and carried her notepad to the door. She walked through the hall to the living room then to the kitchen. Sitting down with the drawing she had worked so hard on, she waited.

"What is it you have there?" her mother turned from the dishes she had been working on and walked to the table.

She showed her the plans for her dream home and explained every detail and why it was there. She got to the playground and excitedly pointed out the flower boxes. She looked up at her mother's eyes, knowing that all of her emotions and thoughts could be read by looking into those two windows into her mother's heart.

"That's an amazing house!" Mother dried her hands on a towel before touching the notepad. "I'm glad you're thinking ahead. Maybe finish fourth grade before adding on another bedroom, though."

20

I'm full of ironic dualities. 

I'm great at creating schedules where time is utilized efficiently. 

I'm terrible at following these schedules. I get bored.

I love to write.

I like so many writing styles and topics that I rarely sit down and achieve much of it.

I am obsessed with office supplies and would love to have an office to decorate and organize.

I don't need an office. Everything is portable.

I could live in a coffee shop and would love to go there daily where I could write.

See the first one listed...I'm terrible at schedules. The minute this became rote I'd stop doing it.

I'm pretty good at giving advice.

I'm terrible at listening to my own advice.

I'm decent at a lot of things.

I'm only decent at them.

I could go on. I wanted to write something creative. I'm just dying to! This is what happened instead. Sometimes I think I'm a little too introspective. I need to go people watch. 

Here's the desire for today: Time to go to the coffee shop, with my laptop, people watch, write about my thoughts as I do this, somehow afford to drink coffee the entire time this is going on, and end up with some fun short stories written by closing time. sigh This sounds heavenly.

19

Conjecture: One of the reasons we depend on monetary gain as a gauge for value of art is because it is tangible - quantifiable. If someone says, "Hey, I like your artwork. It really spoke to me." it is an amazing compliment...but it isn't something one can hold in their hand. It isn't measurable. So if they, instead, give the compliment with an accent mark of a dollar figure then suddenly we have a number to cling to. That piece of art? Oh, it's worth $4,050.

Part of the problem is many famous artists barely turned a profit. Their work only became "valuable" after their death. I'm not interested in the "why" here so much as to point out one small thing:

If it's worth something after they've died then it was worth something while they were alive.

Sure no one was paying hundreds or thousands of dollars for it when they were trying to sell it in the market, but it's not like it was suddenly beautiful just because the creator ceased living. It was always beautiful.

Why do I say all of this? Two things.

1. Maybe we shouldn't place so much of our perceived importance on how much money our creations will fetch.
2. Let artists know how their work affects you. Money is good. It pays bills and buys us food and shelter, etc. but when it comes to truly appreciating our art most of us want to create something that moves more than pocketbooks. 

17

Sunlight poured in, flooding the room.
Dust floating in the air;

sparkling its reflection of the star's rays
and casting paltry shadows in their wake.
There I waited.
As the sun sank lower in the sky,
kissing the horizon,
I waited.
Your frame blocks the orange glow;
my tiny feet take flight.
Caught up in your arms you swing me 'round.
I greet you, Daddy, my protector.
And God -
You tell me to call You Abba.
My soul waits for You
in sunlight pouring through
the panes of my heart.
Until my tiny feet take flight
into eternal arms.
-SJBoyd

Fourteen

A poem I found today. I'll write something of my own, hopefully, later. Right now I just wanted to share this beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda:

The Dead Woman

If suddenly you do not exist,
if suddenly you no longer live,
I shall live on.

I do not dare,
I do not dare to write it,
if you die.

I shall live on.

For where a man has no voice,
there, my voice.

Where blacks are beaten,
I cannot be dead.
When my brothers go to prison
I shall go with them.

When victory,
not my victory,
but the great victory comes,
even though I am mute I must speak;
I shall see it come even
though I am blind.

No, forgive me.
If you no longer live,
if you, beloved, my love,
if you have died,
all the leaves will fall in my breast,
it will rain on my soul night and day,
the snow will burn my heart,
I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,
my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but
I shall stay alive,
because above all things
you wanted me indomitable,
and, my love, because you know that I am not only a man
but all mankind.

...I will definitely be reading more of his work.

Four

For future reference: I stay up so late that I still count entries made after midnight as the day before.

I am typing this up on my phone so forgive me if I miss fixing a typo.

My word of the year two years ago was "content". Being someone who battles a lot with depression I've spent copious amounts of time trying to iron out what triggers it so I can prevent it from happening again. One of my major triggers is my inability to be content with what I have. It's usually not materialistic, though it can be, but instead is a comparison problem. It's a coveting problem. I covet the talents and achievements of others. I daydream and wish and pray for something I do to be amazing and to glorify God in some miraculous way. I want what I make, or create, or invest in to be. . .more than.

So I chose to focus on contentment. I probably could've chosen to do it again last year. Apparently this is one of my major Achilles heels. However lovely my motivations may be, creating something great for God strangely became an idol for me.

Three

Tomorrow, other than my son still being at home for one more day of Christmas break, it's back to regular programming. I've picked up a book on apologetics in women's ministry that I had started a while back and I'm hoping to finish now. I also plan on rereading Little Bee, finishing The Circle Series by Ted Dekker, reading at least one more book in the Wizard of Oz series, and several more. I didn't get to read much in 2015 and I'm actually pretty disappointed about it. I have always been a big reader but I struggled with some really big bouts of depression last year. They were some of the deepest, darkest moments I've had in many years. It affected how I handled things and what I accomplished - or didn't accomplish, rather. I'm determined that, as a part of chasing God this year, I will be able to reclaim some of that joy that He gives.

I do have goals. I'm not a "list your goals so you can achieve them" kind of person but I do have them. I also have no illusions of my abilities to be consistent in achieving them. I know myself too well.

The fact is I have PCOS and was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. Without going into details I've been kind of worried about my health and that I might be escalating toward losing the "pre" in that diagnosis. I'd been doing really well losing the "baby" weight and getting back into shape until around October sometime. I got bronchitis and ended up unable to exercise due to that for a month . . . then I fell down the stairs and broke my tailbone which further delayed the bike riding I had been doing as my exercise. It's January and I still can't ride my bike. Both the weather and tailbone injury are keeping me cooped up. I don't eat incredibly well, because I'm dumb, so you can imagine I'm back pedaling health-wise.

I used some of my Christmas money to buy an elliptical machine that is just the right size to fit into the house we just moved into. I ran on it tonight while watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It was torture on two fronts! (Ok, it was actually a decent episode where Sisko's acting was much better than it normally is.)

So my goals, in general, are health, financial, and spiritual growth. The financial is more of a "get back to just above floating" goal. Nothing major. I don't care if we never make a ton of money. This last year taught me a few things. I really just want to get back to where I can buy something small for my kids without wondering if I will regret it later.

I really feel like writing tonight but I'm worried this is mundane and boring. I am in the mood to write but I don't have any interesting material in mind or inspiration or muse to call on.

I still haven't seen the new Star Wars. Don't spoil it for me. I'm frustrated that I haven't been able to see it yet. I even had to stop following some of my favorite Facebook pages because they had started posting about plot and things. This fangirl is going a bit mad.

Christmas break was lovely, by the way. Even with the stress of moving (which is still ongoing. ugh.) we were able to get some much needed family time with immediate and extended family. That being said I'm pretty okay with getting back into my routine tomorrow. I'll just miss my hubby...because I'm clingy like that.

ONE

It took me a while to pinpoint what word I wanted to focus on for 2016 but I finally nailed it down. 

Chase.

In my other blog I wrote about going through "the valley experience." It's a common term in Christianese. I described it this way:

Christians don't live on the mountaintop. It's more like we go there on short vacations. Those spiritual highs are the highlights of our testimonies sometimes. We ignore the lows because, well, they're low. So let's say we usually hover somewhere in the middle. Maybe we live on nice, stable plateaus with short furloughs to the mountaintop and occasional drops to the valley. 
On the mountaintop you feel incredibly close to God. Your prayer life feels more rich and fulfilling. You feel like God is all around you and it's amazing. 
In the valley you feel distant. You feel separated. You feel alone. Sometimes the disconnect is frustrating. Other times it's depressing. There are even times when you might have been in it for a little while before you even realize it. You've been coasting along doing your thing when suddenly it hits you..."Where are you God?"

 At the end of the blog I wrote what, I hope, would help others who are experiencing this spiritual low to climb out of it. The last thing I suggested was to be diligent in seeking Him because if you seek Him you WILL find Him (Jeremiah 29:13).

To be completely honest I've been in the sinkhole of a valley for a while. I even recently told God in my prayer journal that I'd be patiently waiting for Him. I want to be steadfast in my faith and love for Him - just as He is in his love for me.

I don't want to be idle as I wait, however. Some people refer to God's pursuit of us as a divine romance. The idea is that God loved us so much that He was compelled by His love to create a perfect way for us to be with Him. He wanted to rescue us from our broken fellowship. Ted Dekker called it the "great romance" in his Circle Series.

“This was the Great Romance. To love at any cost.”  - Ted Dekker

God wasn't idle while He waited for me to respond to His pursuit of me. He sent His Son and prepared a way for me and Jesus is even busy making me a home in Heaven. If He's not idle I won't be either.

So my word for 2016 is chase. I'm going to spend this year chasing after Him.